Les Mails a Package (in one act)

Pardon the formatting here. This blog site does not allow much manipulation of margins and such.


The Setting: The dankest and dingiest of post office locations. The place is almost cave-like in late afternoon. It’s raining heavily outside.

Characters:
LES = Me
MLPC = Mean Lady Postal Clerk
* * * * *

Scene One

(Enter stage right: Les wearing a smart chocolate brown Perry Ellis blazer and in jovial spirits in spite of the rain)

LES
(While waiting in line he is distracted by the horse play of the four children in front of him. The mother is not as amused.)

I would like to mail this please.

MLPC
(The mean lady postal clerk has badly dyed red hair that has been straightened but not curled. She looks tired and as if they tried to make her go to rehab but she said no. She takes the package giving Les a curious once over)

That would be $7.28 to get there tomorrow; $5.08 will get it there Saturday.

LES

Saturday’s fine.

MLPC

Is there anything breakable, perishable...? Do you want insurance or delivery confirmation?

LES

No and no and no. I trust you.

MLPC

What’s in it?

LES

Books.

MLPC

Because you said books, this [package] is subject to inspection.

LES

What? I don’t understand.

MLPC

(In a tone that suggests arrogant superiority. If Les were deaf she would have simply spoken louder.)

It means we can open your package to make sure you did not put anything in it other than books. To make sure there are only books in the box.

(She then writes something on the box which is too small for Les to see as he cranes his neck.)

LES

That’s ridiculous but, if you want the terrorists to win...

MLPC

$5.28 will get it there tomorrow, $2.82 by Saturday.

LES

Saturday

MLPC

(She mumbles unintelligibly and says...)

...delivery confirmation?

LES

I have to tell you that I’m a bit disturbed that my package will be opened. I have never had so much as an over-due library book and now my packages are suspect and subject to inspection?

MLPC

That’s $2.82... out of $5.00.

LES

(Now very pissed)

When you are finally out of business in a few years, think of this moment.

MLPC

Have a blessed day!