Being Bus

My old friend from grad school, Jim Ellison coined the term, "Being Bus." Being bus simply describes that person on public transportation that has a conversation so loudly that the other passengers have no other choice but to listen. It's like a one man act or something. If you try to read, look out of the window or even have your own conversation, you will find it impossible, resistance is futile!

Back in the late eighties the being bus conversations were usually with another person. Many times it was really about an unfortunate person who found themselves trapped next to the being bus character. The conversation was usually about nothing interesting. I imagine those conversations were most likely uninteresting even to the speaker. The times have changed baby. Being bus people don't really need trapped passengers any longer, they have cell phones. I even suspect that half of the times there is not actually anyone on the other end of the line. The being bus creep is just talking to be heard. I don’t know why, maybe to feel important or less lonely.

Yesterday afternoon I found myself trapped on public transportation. It was a full house. High school had just let out leaving a standing room only crowd. I can’t imagine that being trapped in the primate cage would be less horrifying or odiferous. I guess that I was fortunate enough to be seated. The aisle seat, of course means I was shoved and inadvertently poked every which why. I needed to go five miles and a half mile into the trip, I was confused and felt certain I had been on the thing for at least two days. And then he got on… A little man of say fortyish who appeared very very short even from my seated position was being bus. He was wearing an over-stuffed puffer jacket and ski cap all hunkered down as if it were 40 degrees colder than in actuality. He was a loud little man. This dude put the being in being bus! He apparently was sent to regal us with this knowledge of all things computer or rather his half-knowledge. Here’s what I learned from Mr. Being Bus: He was married with two teenage daughters; his wife has a laptop which she wants to use everywhere and no, no she does not have WiFi; one daughter has and old Dell and the other an even older Acer, neither of which is worth a shit; his “conversation” was apparently with a customer service rep. in India whose ass he was going to kick if the rep did not “figure out how to fix his problem.” The best I could tell was that he wanted to connect his bunch of outdated computers together and did not have a lot of money to spend because he had just bailed his cousin out again. He also knows everything there is to know about computers and the rep was a prick for saying he should have been able to figure the problem out himself [if he knows so much].

For 30 minutes I had to listen to this douche. He stood over me elbowing me in the head constantly as he shifted out of other’s way or to make a point to the Indian rep. People groaned, some even whispered audibly enough to be heard, “shut the f*** up!” He took no notice. It was as if he were wearing headphones. The older woman across the aisle tugged at his coat finally and exasperatingly asked “could you please stop talking?” Her tone suggested that this wasn’t really a request. All eyes were on Mr. Being Bus. He looked down at the old woman and then about the bus. He then told the rep. “I’ll call you back when I get home,” as if he’d get the same person.