Let it snow

I used to love snow. I Cross Country skied. I lacked the coordination to actually make Downhill pleasurable. That seems like a lifetime ago. I guess it was. Now, I don't really hate snow I just like it better staring out of the window at it. I've had to shovel the stuff for the past four days and I'm done. Some place dreamy with white sandy beaches and year 'round temps of 75 degrees would be nice. I could sell beaded necklaces to the tourists. Unfortunately, reality slaps its windy hand in my face.

The short story is... Yesterday, as I walked to the library I stepped in a hole. I did not see it of course and was trying to be careful. Yes, the ankle with the six inch plate and the eight screws (to anticipate your question). I spent the evening in bed feeling sorry for myself and wondering why people don't clear their walks. On average it seems that one out of every eight homes actually shovels their sidewalks. This is an informal visual survey and not to be quoted. I remember in a happier time when I was a lad growing up in Butte. I didn't really grow up in Butte, I just liked the sentence. Actually, where I did grow up it was illegal not to shovel your walk. The mailman would not deliver your mail and God forbid should someone fall on your icy/snowy walk. You would be in sooo much trouble. I'm sure that these laws have been just ignored rather than repealed. Maybe, I'm just whining but, when you consider that the bionic ankle is the result of falling on ice... I tell myself that I expect too much and that the world has changed. People are too busy to shovel walks or come to a complete stop at

right on red

when I am in the road. Too busy... there's a pizza and PlayStation getting cold.

What did I miss?

I will not bore you with what’s and why for’s of the importance of a Colonoscopy or the good work of University Gastroenterology. If your curiosity is peeked there’s always, Google. I’ll even leave out the part about how the colon must be completely cleansed and empty. -Or how the Nulytely bowel cleansing solution eventually causes your bum to rain. I’ll spare you all that and begin with 7:15am yesterday.

A gentleman of the medical cab company rang. He sounded very gruff. He couldn’t find the house. (Oops, I left out the part about how you have to be accompanied to and from a Colonoscopy. Things being as they are, the insurance company provides transportation for such lonely souls as moi.) Moving right along… The salty seaman on the other end of the line told me he would be there in 15 minutes after I repeated the address to him for the third time.

And there he was at 7:30am sharp. I could not believe it. The car reeked of cigarette smoke. It smelled as if he had been locked in the thing for a month or more chain smoking 3 or 4 packs a day. He was even holding a lit smoke. WTF! Isn’t this a medical transport vehicle? With smoke entering my recently cleansed and emptied bowels I immediately felt sick and faint. The driver looked in the rearview mirror, pointed the cigarette towards me and asked, “Does this bother you?” I told him that it did and he flicked it out the window while exhaling a new batch of smoke into the car. Ten minutes later and I was at University Gastroenterology.

Paper work, a very pleasant nurse, a backless gown (as opposed to a back-Les gown which is something entirely different) and I was off to the procedure room. I’m sure it’s called something else but, that will have to do for now. I met the neato keen doctor who almost insisted my age is 10-12 years younger than I actually am. Why doctor, that would make me a teenager… Am I blushing doctor? Give me a minute.

What I recall next was that the nurse injected two different meds. I then woke up about an hour later in the recovery area. A different nurse woke me and told me to get dressed. She was kind of hurried. I looked up at the blood pressure monitor to learn that my BP was back to normal, 106/66 rather than the 138/83 I came in with. “Is it done,” I asked? I had apparently slept through everything. Sorry, I too had hoped for a play by play entry for you my gentle reader. I however, slept through the whole thing! It was kind of like that time when those aliens… Oh, you would never believe me anyway.

BTW: A single tiny polyp was found. Not bad for six feet of abused colon?

It's not you, it's me

I need a vacation! As my mother addressed me last night I secretly thought... "This old gal has completely gone around the bend," as it were. She had just called me by my late father's name. It then occurred to me that I am the third. Sad Face Emoticon.

...last you 'til Jesus.

So, I had my final visit at the dental factory this morning. As I waited in the chair I could clearly overhear the conversation from the room directly across the hall. (Do not ask me why the doors were open) Across the way an elderly woman of at least 85 years appeared confused. She was accompanied by her son, a very tall guy who was loosing his patience. The old gal had apparently been a stroke victim and was on a great deal of medication the son told the dental assistant. "She sometimes thinks she has pain in her mouth." "I do have pain," the woman shouted. The assistant tried to explain that she had a full set of dentures and therefore could not possibly have a horrible toothache as she explained. The old woman demanded that Xrays be taken. To appease her the son and the assistant agreed. A short time later as I still waited I could hear the conversation heating up. While my back was to them I imagine that the Xrays were presented to the old woman as it was explained that she had no teeth and therefore could not have the pain she described. She even had great bone loss so, there was no where for the pain to originate. The old gal was angry now. Don't tell her... she knows whether or not she is/was in pain.

The assistant decided to get the dentist. The doctor carefully explained what had already been presented. The dentist asked how old her dentures were. "Eight years," was the reply. "Well, why don't we make you a new pair?" The doctor suggested that maybe the dentures were not fitting properly. The old woman finally agreed and was told she would be fitted for new dentures. The problem now was getting her to understand that; 1, she had to wait a month for them to be finished and 2, that these new dentures would solve her phantom pain. "Momma, they will be good. They will last you forty years. They will last you until you see Jesus again," the son told her. There was an awkward silence and then the old woman paraphrased her son, "last me 'til Jesus?" The Jesus time-space-continuum was something she could understand. The woman now apologized and attributed her orneriness to her stroke. The son completely tapped emotionally at this point excused himself to go out and have a cigarette while the dental impressions were made.

My over-active branding brain thought, "what a great branding opportunity." When the dentist finally came in to attend to me, I suggested a branding experience based on the concept of "dentures being so well made that they would, last you 'til Jesus." While the doctor found this very humorous and reminded me to repeat it here, she did not believe that most of her customers would buy it, pun intended.

Loud Mouths

For sometime I have been keeping mental notes about cell phone users. I mean cell phone users in public places. There are several types, you know? They are all entirely too loud. Most do not realize what a personal call is. They do not realize that "personal call" means between them and the other person(s) on the line. What they have to talk about while at times entertaining is really none of my business. Feel free to add to my list in the comment area. Also note that the quotes here are actual things that I have over heard. Here goes:

1. The Popular Guy - This guy is not necessarily popular but he wants you to think that he is. He smiles a lot while talking and visually scans the area to see who is actually listening. His conversations get funnier the "better" his captive audience. He is the type that might suggest that he was wanted for the new "Boys Gone While" video but he turned them down because he did not want to embarrass the other dudes. I actually heard one such popular guy say, " yeah, I did them both... the sister was kind of nasty."

2. The Gossip - This guy or gal will talk about anyone and everyone at anytime and loudly. I actually heard one young woman say, "oh, I heard he got out on Wednesday. She went to pick him up in dem ugly-ass Payless shoes..."

3. The Braggart - The Braggart is not to be confused with the Popular Guy although they can often be one in the same. The Braggart usually brags about a lot of stuff that no one believes or cares about. This usually involves women with something in their eye who he believed was winking at him. -can also involve alcohol. "dude, I musta had 25, no 33 shots last night and I wasn't hung over this morning."

4. Speaker Phone Gal - The speaker-phone is on and the other person is as loud as f**k! They do not know they are on speak phone or that an entire bus load of annoyed people can hear them. "He was 'bout to go to sleep and I told that bastard I didn't have anough."

5. Oblivious Bad Criminal - These two quotes can explain them. "dude, you know where I can get an 1/8 of 'cookies'" or " I almost got it... I'll give it to you. I need to get that gun tonight."

6. Booty Call Pavers - This is usually a young guy who awkwardly tries to set up a booty call for later on. "Thanks for comin' to visit me the other night. I have so much fun with you. I get off work at nine tonight..."

7. The Mumblers and the Grunters - You can't really tell what the heck they are talking about. As I said, they mumble and grunt. It is oh so annoying like when the radio is too low or your country uncle visits and talks about the old days.

8. Middle Aged Guy - This guy is still amazed by the technology. He keeps removing the phone from his ear and staring at it in amazement. He still can't believe there's no wire. He usually says good-bye at least three times followed up with, "she hung up."

-know any others?

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

From time to time I have been accused of being a little less liberal than a modern society demands. As I see things everything is connected. People can not begin to teach manners and parent when youngins are pre-teens. You don't need a degree from that big school on the hill to figure this out. Who they are and will be are formed much earlier. This is all a preface to my amazement of the five H1N1 infested buggers (10-12 year olds) I encountered in the local library branch this past weekend.

Speaking of the flu, they all had it or some other upper respiratory ailment that caused them to cough, hack and wheeze as if someone was sitting on their respective chests. There were new signs posted about the library pleading with young and old alike to help stem the spread of germs. I counted at least a dozen signs that even demonstrated how to actually cover your nose and or cough in to the crook of your elbow. As well, the library now supplies hand sanitizer and tissues for public use. Nevertheless, as I searched the card catalog online this group of loud kids had gathered at the computer next to me. I assumed their motivation was to monitor who could cough on me the most. One young fellow who stood over his seated friend was standing so close to me that I adjusted myself several times to avoid his hack stream. And then... Then he coughed so violently with his mouth uncovered that I could feel droplets from his mouth on my left cheek and all over my big bald head. Geezus! After taking my pocket hanky and shamming myself down, I looked up at the kids who looked confused. The particular boy did not seem to know or care what he had done. I suggested that they; 1. use their inside voices and 2. cover their mouths when they coughed. This was mighty effective... not!

They began a conversation among themselves as if I weren't there. They first queried, "...who I thought I was talking to?" They then perceptively pointed out that I wasn't any body's father and as well lacked some sort of right(s) to correct behavior. I said nothing more to them. The librarian who had witnessed all this came over and told them that only two people were allowed at each computer at a time. She repeated this three times before anyone moved away and then only one person left. Once I put away thoughts of actually hunting them down should I become sick, I was rather annoyed.

Surely, this isn't the first time I've seen it but, I am often amazed that people don't teach basic manners and self-respect to their issue. Would these things also hamper "freedom" and "self-esteem" or some thing? How can we possibly expect children to blossom into mature responsible contributing adults when at 10 years of age they believe that they have the "right" to snot all over some old bald guy's head? How are we shocked when they do much worst when the corrective words of some one at least 30 years their senior are considered "fightin" words? -When they see no difference between themselves and their elders... when they do not believe they need to respect either?

I thank you for your honesty but...

Around a quarter to eight this morning I was walking about a half block from my doctor's office when a woman stopped me. She had been walking in the opposite direction. She was wearing an ankle length purple hooded parka as if it was the dead of winter and style had been conceded to warmth. Our conversation follows:

Woman: Sir, can I ask you a question? Um gonna be really honest with you. Um a alcoholic and um 'bout to drop right here. Kin you give me some money to get a beer?

Me: HUH?

(She waved her hand dismissively and I continued on to my appointment)