The Hills have thighs

Speaking of television, how are you supposed to tell which of the half dozen or so vapid blonds on The Hills is which?

I saw The Hills for the first time last week. That guy on The Soup always makes fun of the show. The Hills was unbelievable! I do not believe I have ever seen anything so bad, ever, ever. It was so badly acted, sadly written, poorly cast and not even a train wreck. A train wreck would have had interesting elements. I was amazed. I kept waiting for something to happen like maybe Allen Funt suddenly appearing and telling everyone to smile, or perhaps an alien popping out of Spencer Pratt’s hair or something, anything. I watched a couple more episodes out of curiosity and in a vain attempt at figuring it all out. I understand that this show has been on the air for 2 or 3 years. How? Even pre-adolescents must be insulted. It’s amazing. It’s directed as if it is an actually a real show. Somebody please tell me what I am actually missing here. I do realize that I am not getting something because the mess has a spin off called The City and yet another called Kell on Earth or some such truck. The City is the same crap as The Hills only a different locale and Kell on Earth is just another odd “reality” show about being 20 and someone’s bitch or rather assistant. Both Hills and City need several rewrites just to be classified as stupid in my opinion.


Help me out here. What am I not getting?

I fully realize that I am not super smart. I suppose if there’s smart, I’m actually Kmart smart. But, I can usually figure out friggin’ TV. One of my favorite things to do is to tune into Univision. Then with a Spanish/English dictionary at the ready, I can figure out 98-99% of what’s going on. Very often with the sound muted I make up my own story lines complete with jokes that are responded to by the laugh track in my head. I thank teachers and a school system that extruded me way back when elective courses were in their infancy. I digress. My point is that I can’t figure out what the heck The Hills is supposed to be about.

I'm a vampire... or maybe not.

Around a quarter to six last evening I took a nap. I woke up an hour later scratching the left side of my neck. I even applied hydrocortisone which only helped a little. I finally went into the bathroom to check out my neck in the mirror. There, there on my neck were two tiny red spots about 1/16th of an inch apart. I thought it odd for bug bites because they were identical and so close together. Then I thought…

Holy Twilight Batman, I’m a vampire. But, wouldn’t I remember having the blood drained from me by some incredibly good looking undead as seen on TV? I wouldn’t remember it if I fainted from the shock?

I put alcohol on the bites. –Nothing, they still itched. It finally occurred to me that maybe it still itched because I kept futzing with them. I applied more itch cream.

I then went to the kitchen table and tried to remember what happened in the movies when people were made Slurpees by the undead. None of it seemed to apply so, I started dinner. I found the pork chops and apple sauce most satisfying and didn’t crave blood even once. I haven’t grown fangs but, I do always look great in black, especially with a cap. The day light doesn’t seem to bother me and I ate ice cream for dessert. I guess I’m not a vampire after all but, the bites are still there.

Then it occurred to me. New windows were installed in my room earlier in the day. Who knows what sort of bugs/insects might have made themselves indoors? See there? There’s always a plausible explanation which is never as exciting or as cool as what you have seen on television.

I can see clearly now

It's Friday and I am outfitted with new glasses. On Tuesday, I had the eye exam and on Wednesday I went to select frames. I am almost embarrassed to admit that my selection of frames were somewhat limited. They were limited because I have a large round bald head. Go ahead and laugh if you must. It is not necessary for you to feel my pain.

As I waited to be served I noticed a young hip guy on a poster. Hey, I'm young and hip? Some say, I was never either of those things but, they would be wrong. Anywho, the nice young gal (old man talk, I know) finally found the frames from the poster. I tried them on and voila. They were all wrong. The sales woman's expression was priceless. I could not quite tell if she was suppressing a belly laugh or if she had thrown up in her mouth just a little. I stepped over to the mirror. There I stood looking exactly like an old dude trying to look like a young dude. The frames were too square and the contrast with my circular noggin was more than should be aesthetically borne. Moving right along.

"Perhaps you might fine this section more suitable," she told me. "Oh is this where the elephant man gets his glasses," I thought? I tried a few pairs. They did not cause an instant headache by gripping the sides of my head too much. And, then I found them. I found the glasses I was looking for two years ago when I got new ones. They fit well and looked even better. I turned towards the sales woman who beamed similarly to those who receive great value from there work. "Yes, those are perfect!" I checked the mirror again. I felt like that kid with the one big shoe who finally gets a pair of pants long enough to hide it.

"Your prescription suggests bifocals but, your insurance only covers glasses which are lined bifocals and not unlined," she said. "You're kidding me?" After dancing around the absurdity of the vision plan and weighing the possibility of going about with lined bifocals at my age, I made the only sensible choice. I will look over my new single vision glasses when I need to read much like my old art teacher who I used to mock. I am sure there is some lesson or moral there but, who gives a crap. I heard the woman at the counter say the word "hot" as I walked out.

Green with Irony

The sullen and jaded Les believes that many parts of the "Green" movement are a bunch of phooey or hooey. He often wonders aloud about the process and production of green materials. Jaded Les however concedes that green products more times than not are kinder to the environment, but is the process kind?

Submitted for your evaluation... A non-profit organization here has a program that is dedicated to making the homes of older Americans more energy efficient. This agency conducts some sort of an "energy audit," and advises as well as offers assistance to older folks to bring their homes to acceptable levels of usage. During my mother's audit it was discovered that her 15 year old refrigerator - freezer has been gobbling up far too much energy. The organization offered to replace the old side-by-side with a brand spanking new one. How could the old gal decline? The new model was delivered around 2:00p.m. yesterday afternoon. The old monster's doors as well as the front door of the house had to be removed to get the thing out. After about an hour and one broken glass candle holder later, the new fridge was in place gleaming white in all it's efficiency.

The part that first confused and then got Les' dander up was; during that entire hour the movers left the 20ft truck that they had came in parked in front of the house with the engine running.

...an explosive chemical reaction can occur.

I know nothing of plumbing but, logic is another thing. The kitchen sink had been very slow draining for what seemed like forever. After rinsing out a glass yesterday nothing happened, the water just sat there. I used the trusty new plunger brought just for this anticipated occasion. Squish, squish, gurgle, squish and still the water just sat there. After trying several hopeless avenues I then unscrewed all of the pipes underneath. The pipes were of course crammed with green algae-looking stuff. I cleaned those and put them back into place. I then ran the water a few feet and it just sat there. I went down to the basement and tapped on pipes and tried to unscrew caps as if I knew what I was doing. Hint: if you spray WD40 at an angle above your head it will float back down to your glasses and you skill will feel warm... like burning. A fools errand. It was the wrong order I know but, this required some thought.

I ate dinner, Chicken and Rice. Afterwards, I removed the pipes from under the sink again, placed a pan there and washed the dinner dishes. I dumped the pan of soapy water outside. I then made a cup of tea and sat on the side of the bed when, Sulfuric Acid came to mind. That was it! The 32oz bottle of Sulfuric Acid drain opener had warnings and instructions which I carefully read twice. Some of the warnings seemed pretty obvious like, "don't look directly in to the drain after pouring the acid down." -Oh, so tempting. 'My eyes, my eyes,' the burning would be a bit too King Lear-esque for me. "How sharper than a serpent's tooth," and all that. I therefore stepped as far away as I could while pouring the stuff down. I used four ounces as the instructions read and nothing happened. I eventually dumped the entire bottle down and waited 15 minutes before flushing the drain with cold water. I even put an upside down bucket over the drain because the instructions led me to expect an eruption. There were no eruptions but, the drain made a sigh and was now clear. I ran the cold water for about 10 minutes and I was home free. I was starting to feel proud of myself until I looked under the sink.

I usually toss the dirty towels under the sink and eventually wash them. I neglected to remove them before I started my little project. About an eighth of a cup of the acid had leaked from the pipe fittings on to the towels. Even through my rubber gloves the towels were extremely hot. I guess there were about a dozen towels there all ruined and steaming, but kinda cool in a 9th grade Earth Science kinda way. I guess it was a good idea after all not to look into the drain.

Speaking of drains... After putting everything back to normal I giggled through Larry King as (D)Eric Massa's career circled the...

Eric Massa... not funny

Sorry, gentle reader I have no humor for you today.

My friends, we have entered the age of the bad politician, politician. For about a year now it has been particularly annoying to me how bad most politicians are at well, being politicians. As my grandmother would say, "they lie when the truth will do," which often creates a mess that will not only destroy their lives but the lives of those around them. The latest in this lying league is (D) Eric Massa, (I'll table New York's current and most recent former governors for another rant...).

Massa will not seek re-election the headlines read. Here's a link if you have not heard: http://www.politico.com/news/stories/0310/34001.html He has had cancer a few times and his doc said in effect, "find some place and sit down." A few days later the headlines read that he is really resigning because he talked naughty to a boi. Now, I am to learn that he says he was really forced out because he was going to vote "No" on the health care thingy. Here's what the White house had to say about it: http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/HealthCare/white-house-eric-massas-charges-ridiculous/story?id=10048764

Hmmmm. I admit I wasn't there but, it seems to me that the bill is not up for a vote yet, therefore for Massa to suggest that he is some sort of tie-breaker is a bit premature. Here's what I think happened...

Massa got scared. The ethics committee found out about the naughty talk and Massa in an attempt to avoid that on coming train resigned. Never mind that others have weathered far greater storms. The entire "forced out" story, I do not buy. As a Democrat I am sure he faced pressure to vote with his party but, again, it is too early to tell if he mattered that much. The man just does not want to go home in disgrace. A martyr sounds a lot better. He was set up and railroaded because he held strong to his beliefs sounds better than isn't he that guy who tried to...

Further, I could spend all afternoon talking about what this means in terms of easily ignoring the commitment he made to the people of his region, this country. I believe the oath goes something like. "...and that I will well and faithfully discharge the duties of the office on which I am about to enter: So help me God." So, after making that kind of a commitment he lies rather than fights? Fighting does not count after you've stepped aside.

Now, here's were the really bad politician comes into play. If the set up were remotely true and he really wanted to remain true to his oath, then I would think that "set up" would have been the first words out of his mouth. The storm would have easily subsided concerning the naughty words (given our attention span) and we would have moved on to another story. But, we are to believe that the first 2 "lies" are to be ignored and now believe the set up story? Pardon the reference but, that's a bit too hard to swallow.

What can I say?

You know I have a reputation as a cheap-skate but, I'd rather think if it as 'thrifty.' Yesterday, I went to the grocery store with coupons and sales circular in hand and walked out with $16.54 worth of goods for a mere $00.32. Yes, 32 cents total! And BTW, yes, I do have too much time on my hands. :D